Donald Miller's Blog

Donald Miller officially has a blog site now. He had had a website, where you could order his books and he would leave notes and stuff. But this new blog is more interactive, where readers are able to leave comments. His first entry is sharing a series of emails he exchanged with Barrack Obama which is some crazy funny stuff. Check it out.

How did you get my e-mail address? I signed up on a clip board a cute hippie handed me, did you get my address from her? Do you know her? Can you ask her to call me? Anyway, no biggie, just cool that you wrote.

I wanted to talk to you after the rally but the guy with the curly earphones said you were busy. As for your e-mail, I don’t remember saying “the time has come to get beyond the same old tactics that divide and distract us,” but that’s exactly how I feel. I say a lot of things I don’t remember. My roommate Jordan said I said he could eat my leftover calzone from Pizzicatta but I don’t remember saying that and I know I was planning on having it for breakfast the next day.

There is a lot more, and all of Don's responses are in the classic Donald Miller smart aleck form. Quite a way to talk to a presidential candidate.

Beware, by Don Heatley

Here is a fascinating article posted on the Emergent Village Blog about traditional churches reacting against Emergent churches in their area and warning others to stay away. Very funny and thought provoking, I thought.

[Our Church] has never used any conjugation of the verb “emerge” in any of our ads. My theory is that this fear of Vision all began in someone’s inbox. Sandwiched between warnings of hypodermic needles hidden in the coin return slots of pay phones and claims that Barack Obama is a Muslim, this person read an email claiming that different Christianity equals Emergent, and Emergent equals dangerous. Informed only by anti-emergent websites, they went looking for an “Exhibit A” and found it in my church. How ironic that Emergent, which is often criticized for not defining itself, can be so easily defined by its critics. I propose a new tag line for “this thing of ours” (to use a New Jersey term). Rather than “Emergent: A Generative Friendship,” I propose “Emergent: We’re like pornography. You know it when you see it.”

Let me know what you think.

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective

This isn't new, but it's funny. Just for fun, it is an engineer's take on Santa. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting a "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.

This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would bust into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs, and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas!

Fake Interview Hints at Truth

Christian Charity Raising Money To Feed Non-Gay Famine Victims

This is a fake article/interview courtesy of the Onion. My jaw dropped open for about the 30 seconds that I thought this was real. This is good satire: well done, funny, and has one foot on the side of truth and one in fiction. The sad truth is that some (many?) Christians are so homophobic that this may be only a step or two away from the truth. And then we Christians have the audacity to say things like "Christians are being persecuted in America." What a joke, especially when you consider that suicide is now the 2nd leading cause of death among homosexual males. What does that say about our society? And here is another one: why is homosexuality such a hot issue, when issues like divorce, greed, and lying are so prevalent in our society? The Bible certainly has more to say on these issues than it does on homosexuality, yet we have dicided to major in our opposition to this one issue.

I could say more, but before I do (in future articles), let me turn your attention to a cutting edge message by Dr. Tony Campolo called "Struggling with the Gay Issue." Campolo is gaining a reputation for his views on homosexuality, that are certainly progressive, but he makes some amazing points. This would be a fun issue to have a discussion about, so post and dialogue with me if you feel so inclined.

Until next time,
-NF

Mr. Bean Goes to Church

After a series of very serious, academic, and perhaps stuffy posts on apologetics and scholarship, check out this classic and halarious clip of Mr. Bean doing what he does best.

Funny Evangelism Video

From henceforth, this will be my ministry philosophy:

"I knockst the pride outta them!"

Prison Break

In honor of what is probably my favorite show on TV right now, Prison Break, having shown its season finale last night, here is a funny video along the same theme. You can find this video and more at http://acceptable.tv

Preaching Tips From...Well, Me

Not than anybody really cares what I think, but I thought I would put down some "preaching tips" from my experience. As I try to become a better communicator myself, I try to learn as much as I can and continue to learn. By the way, I must admit that I completely stole this idea from Tim Ellsworth. It is interesting to see how our lists are different.

Two things to keep in mind: First, that I am young. I gave my first sermon when I was probably 14 to our youth group and have been speaking regularly for the last 4 or 5 years, but I am still pretty young. Second, I work with youth, so that effects my perspective a bit. Here we go.

1. Preach From the Bible

I had a professor that once told my class to always read, quote, and paraphrase the Bible in sermons as much as possible. "That way, when you are done, you know you said something inspired." Well said, Dr. Nunnally. I don't believe every sermon (or even most sermons) needs to be verse by verse expository preaching, but scripture should always be used. How can we get by with not using it?

2. Keep it Practical

My currect senior pastor holds to the idea that sermons should all be very practical. I agree. In a service like ours where we expect to have at least a handfull of newcomers present every week, we should keep it to something they can understand. They don't want hear about why we should boil goats in their mother's milk, but things like parenting, conflict, influencing culture, God's plan for marriage etc. they tend to care about because it speaks to their lives. There is a place for the esoteric studies of fairly insignificant bits of scripture, but that is not a Sunday morning. Another word for this would be relevance. People need something that is going to pertain to their lives.

3. Use Humor/Entertainment

Erwin McManus was once challenged by someone who accused his church of trying too hard to entertain people. His response, in my own words, was basically that to entertain someone was simply keeping their attention. Some people are entertained by hymns, or organ music, or expository preaching, or drama, or humor etc. I think he makes a great point. We are all trying to communicate a timeless message in new, creative ways. Whatever form that communication takes should depend on the audience. In LiveWire Student Ministries we use lots of humor, video, movement etc., because young people (actually, all people) learn in multi-sensory ways. This is not diluting the message, but rather, becoming better at communicating it. Jesus used stories, object lessons, humor etc. in his teaching, so why are we afraid to?

I must say though, that this, like all things, can easily go too far. Making jokes at a time that needs to be serious can lose a crownd quickly. Also, when the goal becomes entertainment, rather than communicating the message, it has gone too far.

4. Be Semi-Normal

Weirdness is not a spiritual gift; neither is it admirable. Some preachers seem to get off on using "insider language" or "preacher voices." Is there anything more annoying? This is the whole problem with the Christian Subculture that has been created. By pulling back and secluding, we have lost the right and the opportunity to speak into the culture. I am going to a conference in 2 weeks where Donald Miller will be giving a talk called "How to Share the Gospel Without Weirding People Out." I think that is a great point.

Now, I say semi-normal, because it is not entirely normal to lay down one's life for a dead criminal, or to simulate eating his body and drinking his blood or lots of other things for that matter. There is a level of percieved weirdness that all outsiders might have for Christians that involve core doctrines that just come with the territorry. But people need a real person. They are very good at spotting the phony.

5. Talk about Jesus

I tend to think that no matter what topic a person is preaching on, they should involve Jesus in the process. It shouldn't be hard, for he is all over the Bible, even in the Old Testament. It seems that the "model" from the book of Acts is just to tell about Jesus and what he did. That seemed to work pretty well. Therefore, we would do well to involve Jesus in our message every time, and to tell the story of the cross regularly.

There it is. It is certainly not perfect nor is it comprehensive, but I have my thoughts down. Feel free to critique, disagree, and call me a heretic if you must, but may we never give up the journey of becoming better communicators of the most important message in the world.

Chuck Norris Facts

This is a snapshot of some of the very funny statements about Chuck Norris. Very Funny.

What Kind of Pirate Arrrrr Ya?

Ok, so I know that these tests are not musings...but they are really fun. This one is by far the funniest yet. This made me wonder, though, why has there been such a heavy interest in pirates lately? What is it about them that is so appealing? Anyway, here is my pirate info. Cash is the coolest name in the world by the way.

My pirate name is:

Captain William Cash

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

If You Were A Superhero...

Following with the theme from last week, we will now see which superhero we are most like. I came up Superman, which is awesome, because he is by FAR my favorite superhero of all time. The Flash is cool too, which was my other match. I am also relieved that Wonder Woman came in last! Have fun with these, and be sure to let me know who you were most like.

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 80% The Flash 80% Spider-Man 60% Hulk 55% Robin 53% Green Lantern 50% Iron Man 45% Supergirl 43% Batman 20% Catwoman 20% Wonder Woman 18%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

What World Leader are You

I Stole this from Joel Manners, but it is a fun insight into yourself. I was Gandhi, so I'm not sure what that says about me. Give it a try.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

A Little Road Rage Anyone?

I got to thinking today, after the guy in the baby blue Honda Accord gave me the finger, that road rage is a serious problem in our society. I know, I am certainly not the first to point this out, but I think it is worth asking the question "Why is road rage so common in our culture?" I have done some traveling and noticed that the driving in other countries makes the driving in America look like those old cars at amusement parks that only go about 5 miles an hour and have that track between the wheels so you can't steer off the path. In these other countries, Thailand and Guatemala, to be spicific, Red lights are merely a suggestion; following too closely, the norm; merging, a personal challenge. Yet with all the cutting off and such that takes place, you see almost no road rage. It is simply a way of travel, even a way of life. So, to boil it down, what does road rage say about our culture? Too impatient? Too busy? Too stressed? Too carnal? You tell me.

Some People Give All Christians a Bad Name

Some professed Christians and Creationists beat up a Kansas University professor Monday because he had recently made headlines for speaking out against Creation. You can view the article here. Isn't that just what Christianity needs? What morons to think they are doing any good but by acting out in violence in such a way. This situation is reminiscent of the Crusades, which are perhaps the deepest and ugliest scar on the world of Christendom still today. I believe strongly in Creation, but others are going to disagree and they have that right. That is what makes this America. If "Christians" like these would use their brains (if in fact they have them) to engange Evolutionists in peaceful discussion, they would go much farther in advancing their ideas and their faith. They leave it to the rest of us who proudly bear Christ's name to fix the broken image they have given us. My prayer is that every non-Christian who hears of this story will think of ten good experiences that they have had with Christians, rather than focusing on this obvious misrepresentation.